Ode to Eggnog
If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute,
wearing a beard and a red flannel suit;
And if he is chuckling and laughing away,
while flying around in a miniature sleigh;
With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along;
Then - let's face it - Your eggnog's too strong!!
The Month After Christmas Diet Poem
T'was the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The eggnog I'd chugged, the cookies I'd taste,
at the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd said, "more eggnog, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as only I can
You can't spend winter disguised as a man!
So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the 'nog, the fruit cake, the crackers and chips
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll only be chewing on celery sticks.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Funny Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season.
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Eggnog Christmas Quote
"Futurama" Xmas Story (1999)
Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.